understanding life...

i have come to a point of time realising that although i have very limited frens, i have really great frens ard me...the problem lies on me, i have yet to find a fren whom i can open myself totally in front of them...maybe i m not used to showing others my innermost self, i have nv behave that way in front of anyone except my siblings... i have split personality(no longer in scientific use), behave like me wif ppl other than my sis, n being another me in front of my sisters...i dunno why i am like tt..i don wana be like tt forever...coz somewhere inside me, i feel really lonely..coz nobody fully understand me, none...yet, the problem lies on me...

i shop ard a mall all alone, i feel the freedom..the next minute, i feel myself sobbing as ppl passing by me r in pairs or groups.."it's alright..i can be wif myself..=)" gemini always has it's twin sister..I hav one all the time right? always by my side, listen to my complaints, feel the same way i feel, think the same way as me,like the exactly same thing, having the same favourite dish, pop star, subject..etc......who will be exactly like me on this earth?..none...only my twin....

i admire all the patients who fight vigorously for their lives, treasuring their lives...life is a gift from our parents, we does not belong to ourselves only. Our death may cause sorrows to our frens, esp our family--beloved mother, father, who doted on u, educate u since young, watching over u, bearing the heartache when they see us get hurt, giving u the juicy chicken wings n thighs while they bite the chest meat...i have experienced a lot of sickness since young, coz i do not have a healthy body...i know it...father told me..mother told me..doctor told me..i knew it..n i seem to careless abt this fact...going to the clinic, being examined, being asked the same questions over n over again, jux different time maybe..at home, lying on the bed, taking those bitter pills--oh!..when i first learn how to swallow my first pill, i found it so fun n easy!(my father taught me!) jux put it on my tongue n drink some water n in a split second, my pill goes down to my stomach..i got the hand of it immediately--throw it into my mouth-->drink water--> done!but i nv expect that those pills like to follow me so much..i m getting sick n tired of life...finally..one day..after a long period of on n off fever n coughs, one night, when i m eating the pills, i vomited..n i forced myself to swallow the pills..i got well the next day n i nv get sick for a yr..the nx time i fall sick again, i found tt i cant swallow any pills anymore, there's a phobia done...i hate falling sick..tt's the time i feel so weak n useless..why am i always the one who create so many troubles to my parents? i am a burden! i dont treasure life n i don deserve to be alive.......i am a sinner of myself..for not taking care of my body...patient out there, hang on!! u r my model of life...live sound n safe thereafter.....=)

last time when i heard ppl said tt he/she is actually considered to be xin fu,my immed reaction was "i dont feel tt i m xinfu"..but now, i changed my mind...i am xinfu de...i hav a human body, still functioning...i can do many things i want...i have choice...i have knowledge...i have family...i have frens...i have a bf...i only short of a pair of son n daughter..haha...too far still........*blush*......i still lack a cert, a degree, a favourable job.....work hard bah.....enougf of toking here......muackz....

now playing "it is simple by JJ Lin Junjie"